# Dating my mom

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You really need to take a deep breath and spend some time alone figuring out just what you do want. Since my date knew where I was, he suggested a nearby bar, and 20 minutes later I was awaiting my first online date in years.\
&#x20;![dating my mom](http://www.rtl2.de/sites/default/files/styles/artikelbild_breit/public/images/format/1100005506/date-my-mom-q-teaser-1360006.jpg?itok=g4JnTJgF)\\

The man likes to bike to New Jersey and ask my mom to pick him up. That was more how I read it—suppressed anger, hatred, self-loathing. Your husband and your mother have 100% unequivocally done you wrong. What should I do. Zip EU-Datenschutzgesetzen benötigen wir Oathunsere und Partner Ihre Einwilligung, um auf Ihrem Gerät Cookies zu speichern, um Ihre Such- Standort- und Browsing-Daten zu verwenden, Ihre Interessen zu verstehen und Anzeigen auf unseren Produkten zu personalisieren und zu messen. Dating my mom will come out of the other side wiser and stronger and we will be rooting for you every step of the way. Right now, where you are, she is not an OK person to have in your life in any way. Peter Facinelli filed for divorce from Jennie Garth in March 2012, after 11 years of prime and three children together.

Sometimes she gets really quiet and just smiles at me, especially if I walk in on her crying. Ask about what she loves about being a mom, ask about what her kids' interests are, admit that you've never seen Frozen.\
&#x20;![dating my mom](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-z5vh8hqNgIU/UsznqV9wmCI/AAAAAAAAAeA/MN1cwv155hs/s1600/post-12904-0-06765100-1382525762.png)\\

**Date my dad! The new dating website where single parents can find love with the help of their sons and daughters** - But you don't have the right to make her sad. If she does any of that for you, you'd better remember how lucky you are.\
&#x20;![dating my mom](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/e5/4c/75/e54c7577aafe937abb9b9696cc6fbf02.jpg)\\

You read that right. Dear Captain Awkward, I am a 34 year old straight woman in an open marriage with a 39 year straight man. I have taken far more advantage of the openness of our marriage than my husband, at least until recently. I have had a string of long-term affairs and short-term flings. During the past 8 months I have basically been living with another man in a neighbouring town to the one I live in. I am drawn to men who are starkly different than my husband, who is an intellectual, moderate in terms of his vices and has a disdain for the type of men who spend every evening in a pub. I have a drinking problem but it is not a problem I feel any need to resolve and I am drawn to men who are also drinkers like me. I can have a glass of wine in the morning and drink until I pass out in the afternoon and wake up when my lover comes home and go to the pub with him and start drinking again. This past Sunday my lover and I went to a country pub and I glanced in the dining room and saw my husband with a beautiful older woman, but not just any woman. It was my mother and, from the way they looked at each other and were touching, I could tell instantly that it was more than a friendly lunch; they were quite obviously in love with each other. My husband, who is also handsome and fit, looked like he was happier than I had ever seen him. I went to the toilet and threw up and then I dragged my lover out of the pub and went straight to the off-licence where I bought a litre bottle of vodka and drank it at his house until I passed out. My mother is the one having long talks with my husband at night, or going to a nice restaurant with him or the theatre and I am at a grubby pub every night with my alcoholic lover. I have started stalking them, sitting in the car down the street from our house, drinking vodka from the bottle, and watching them come out hand in hand to play tennis in the courts down the street or go out to dinner. I have sneaked in the house and gone up to what used to be our bedroom and found my mother has moved all her clothes into the wardrobe and taken what I had left out and I have even seen a tube of lube on the bedside table my mother is post menopausal. Seeing that made me hate her more than you can believe. I would love to put an end to their happy little relationship. What should I do? And your mother chooses the one man in the universe who is married to her daughter? That is some unfathomable shitheadery right there, from both of them. These two assholes chose this. A Of all the women in the world he chose to date your mom and of all of the gin joints in the world he chose to take her to your regular hangout. It sounds to me like you left him, slowly, on the installment plan, and then he decided to hasten the end by setting everything on fire, including the bridges. A reason like self-preservation? I have so many questions, like, do you hang out, ever? Do you talk, ever? What was the long-term plan for your marriage? Did your husband know that plan? Did he know whether you ever wanted to come back from living with this most recent dude? When you agreed to an open marriage, did you both envision a situation where either or both of you would move out for long periods of time? Do you still love each other? Is there a compelling reason to stay married to him, beyond say, the legalities or force of habit? Whatever the answers are, taking your mom on a date to your favorite local + moving her shit into your house which is still your house…I think? This is the You-signal being flashed in the sky. I REPEAT: ALL IS NOT WELL. We can judge them a lot. Your mom is always going to be the mom who dated your husband. Also, forgiveness is for when someone has a stopped doing the harmful thing and b apologized. I give you permission to ignore the entire concept of forgiveness for now. Even if they agreed to end things, is there any going back to the life you thought you had, where your husband is a safe haven who will always leave the light on for you while you explore your addictions totally unproblematic day-drinking hobby? Cool, okay, well, have a good day. Do you think things are working well between us? Did you sit around trying to come up with the most hurtful, appalling thing you could do to me? Even though they are pretty reasonable questions given the situation? Because if you actually talk about it with them, it will become real? I say this with all the love I can muster: Your marriage is dead. Your relationship with your mom is also pretty dead. Those relationships can die but I want you to be alive. You were hiding from your own life in that pub, all those days of passing out and killing time with grubby men in grubby places. Drinking in your car and presumably driving? Something has been permanently lost or damaged, and, while I understand the fantasies, breaking these two people up will not restore whatever it is or was. Radically intervene in your own life to take care of yourself. And then cut him and your mom out of your life entirely. Before that talk, I think it is time to call on any and all resources you can find who are not your husband or your mother. Other family members who you can count on. A divorce attorney solicitor where you are? A medical doctor for a complete checkup. Also, no more hiding out, no more monitoring your husband and your mom. Drag everything into the light and deal with it. You told us your story, so tell a therapist and a friend. Start imagining yourself in a different kind of future, where you are free of them and have a fresh start. You are only 34 years old! The thing will probably perish on its own without you in the middle providing a dramatic focus. Even if they stay together forever gloriously in love mashing their perfect bodies together for the rest of time? Lie or oog people out? Ok, finally, I think your drinking problem is an actual problem that deserves serious, thorough, compassionate, loving treatment. You have an illness that is slowly eating your life. Maybe it ate your marriage a few bites at a time. None of that makes you a terrible person who needs to hide in the bushes from the assholes in her life, it makes you human. It makes you deserving of care and compassion and help and second chances and third chances and fresh starts. Be well, Letter Writer. You are related to a bunch of assholes and I hope you get free very soon. What do we lose by being constructive and kind? B I know the comments in my mod queue recommending 12-step programs and other alcohol treatment programs are kindly meant and coming from people who have used them successfully. But until the LW asks for that kind of help, they are a distraction, and they tend to attract a lot of thread-jacking debate that I have to clean up. C Closing comments as of 11 pm Thursday because my moderation queue and spam trap are a dumpster fire and I need to sleep sometime. Letter Writer, please get some help and take good care of yourself. I was in a serious car accident last year. Please do not drink and drive. It is not just your safety that you risk. The LW talks a lot in the comments of that post, and every time she did I lost more sympathy for her. I mean LW has made some pretty terrible decisions here… and then her mom and husband responded by burning everything relationship-related to the ground forever. I feel like one person behaving terribly does not diminish other people also behaving terribly. You really need to take a deep breath and spend some time alone figuring out just what you do want. As if women were forever vetoed of enjoying their sexuality after they hit 50! Think, Postcards From The Edge. Her mother who chose to fuck her husband. Someone who was raised with the attitude that your worth is in your looks and youth is right on schedule with this — look at how she talks about her own body, too. This all feels like something designed to force a final decision about the breakup of the marriage. Maybe leaving the husband was…self-preservation? A fumbling towards happiness and safety and a place where people treat her well? Maybe not a good or functional one? I agree with all the people who say the house of the relationship is burning. Who set it on fire? Time to get to safety. The two who were closest to you came together to figure out what was going on with you. Also if you had moved that far away from them emotionally, they might not have thought that you cared. Showing up together where you were known to be to get some kind of closure was cowardly. They should have told you to your face separately. But people do cowardly stuff all the time when it comes to dating a best friend or a sibling. The Captain is right about still being young and having a chance at a better life and a happier you. Try to take this as a wake up call so that things can be better. I have a suspicion! And he chose to pursue and develop a romantic and sexual relationship with that specific one and not mention it The husband is not cake I would want in my house, let alone in my mouth. Nope, no one has to be perfect — no one even can be perfect. Did they have a conversation that was forgotten? Did they know where she was? If she does NOT actually like her lifestyle with the drinking and lover, she needs to work on that before she can build healthy new relationships I have to admit, my initial, knee-jerk reaction to the letter was vastly unsympathetic and entirely unhelpful. But having read her comments on reddit, I just feel sorry for her. I mean part of me still wants to shake her and yell GET HELP, but the poor thing. Being in an open relationship does not mean your partner has carte blanche to date literally anyone in the world. Any decent person in an open relationship would talk to their spouse before embarking on an affair with a relative or close friend of the spouse. I mean, who does this?? Your husband and your mother have 100% unequivocally done you wrong. Listen to the captain, not to Reddit. Things that were seismic in our family life, and also things that were said, or happened, when I thought he was sober. And I know my attitudes and actions seemed hurtful and bewildering to my husband, because he had forgotten things that would have made sense of my behaviours. This is absolutely true. One of the things that I think may be difficult to understand if you have not been around someone who regularly got blackout drunk or if you have not been someone who regularly got blackout drunk is how much it affects your brain. It can do very strange things to it. It can cause you to not be able to create long-term memories of certain periods of time—periods of time where you seemed to be entirely lucid. It can also cause you to remember the words and actions of a particular interaction but to forget the emotional underpinnings. It can erase memories that had previously been indelible. My step father was initially a positive influence in my life, and loved as a parent. As his drinking became worse, he became progressively more abusive. By the time I was a teenager it was survival mode for me. Avoiding my home as much as possible kept me sane and alive. Her Mom and Husband are being flamingly awful people, though. When I was still with my most recent ex, who was dating other people, I asked that he not date anyone in my family, on my dissertation committee, or in the class I was teaching. There was still a world of people remaining. It gets so much worse than described here…but my point is that people really do experience soap opera worthy plot lines in their own lives. LW, I agree with CA…you need to let your marriage and your relationship with your mom go and take care of yourself! Please take care of yourself and do what you are able to change that. Take yourself away from people who hurt you and break your trust. When you feel ready to, seek some help to reduce your dependence on alcohol. Find some means to support yourself and some supportive and nice people to surround yourself with. That you value relationships that revolve around long talks, and not spending every night in bars. Actually, to me anyway, it sounds almost as if the husband wrote this. That was more how I read it—suppressed anger, hatred, self-loathing. Assuming the wife did indeed write this, one small piece of advice—stop saying these things. Much love and hugs to you. Oh Captain my Captain, you said all that better than I could have. Oh, LW, I am so sorry, but, I think that marriage is dead. Please take care of yourself. I highly recommend living in your own space for a bit. Choose it yourself and make it yours. You deserve a space that you control. I also highly recommend a therapist to talk things over with. Get this stuff out of your head and talk it over with a professional so the space in your head is also yours and belongs to you. LW, a therapist is a good place to start, a healthy place to vent these feelings and start trying to find some solutions that will help you claw your way out of the pit. I wish you well, and I hope that you can build a happier and healthier life. I gave into curiosity and went over to Reddit. The comments are actually not that bad — I was expecting some really nasty stuff, but for the most part they were shorter, less compassionate versions of what you said, CA. The top comment when I just checked was compassionate and also advised against revenge. But I did see the LW posting — she said that she did end up confronting her mother and husband last night? As always, thank you for your advice, CA. I think you do a great job keeping things balanced and in perspective. When they arrive, they post these rants on every board and thread, over and over, until they get banned; every now and then they find a way back again. We nicknamed them Martin, for no particular reason. This is an hugely upsetful thing. I really hope you can get maybe some counseling? Because this is an incredibly painful thing and you need someone to talk to who is trained to help you grieve. Please, please, please be safe and take care of yourself. And stay off Reddit, if you can. LW, please stop saying mean things about your body. I struggle with self compassion A LOT. It is so hard. You want to take better care of your body? Start by acknowledging that your body deserves being taken care of. I believe you, LW, and it sucks. Granted, they were much younger right out of university and the mother had just gotten divorced, but there should pretty much never be an excuse for this. It was awkward for a year or two all around. Once the ex-boyfriend was an ex to both, my friend and her mother have been able to rebuild their relationship. I hope you can prioritize getting away from this junkiness and getting to know yourself. Please grasp whatever time and space you can to process this. You definitely need to stop stalking them, as you called it, LW. I agree with Captain that you should just get it all out in the open. Also jeez that sucks. I hope things look up for you. It is, rather, a way of thinking, and continues long after you have stopped drinking. It is a voice in the head: a malevolent voice that wants you to die. I certainly see it that way: it makes it easier to pick my way through the days if I know what, exactly, I am dealing with. I care about your continuing to live. I hope you find help. I hope it comes soon. Okay, taking a deep breath and assuming this is a real thing, LW, your husband dating your mom is a Burn-It-To-The-Ground, Extinction-Level Event. It seems like you kind of left your marriage by degrees, or at least, shoved it to the back burner, and your husband decided to force your hand, as it were. Your marriage is over. LW, as the Captain said, take care of yourself. You are at a crossroads. You can let this push you further down into a bottle, or you start fresh, clear away the ashes, and build a new life for yourself. Best of luck to you. The heavily implied drinking and driving needs to stop ASAP, and also the stalking. They are frightening and dangerous. Because two narcissists in a relationship without an outside target will either devolve and split quickly or try to kill each other, I would think. Untangling the relationship between trauma, abuse and addiction and figuring out where to put blame and responsibility is super mega hard. No one chooses to be an addict; pretty much by definition addiction is a set of maladaptive damaging, undesirable behaviors. Fortunately, I was old enough that I had moved out and was mostly able to avoid her. When HER youngest daughter got to be about 14 or so, she transferred her jealousy to her own daughter. So I can confirm that this is indeed a thing that happens. I think the internet is amazing. LW: I have to agree with Cumshitter and I also hope that you find peace in yourself and your heart and your life. Please, take care of YOU. You are in pain, a lot, and I think you have been in pain for a long time. Now two people you should be able to trust are behaving like assholes. The hardest thing to do can be to walk away from a wrecked relationship. One wants to try again, one wants to fix it, one wants to confront the asshole causing pain, one wants both justice and revenge. Walking away, leaving him and her and I think eventually the lover who is now tangled up with those relationships, unless he is willing and able to be a solid and loving rock to support you, might be the best thing you can do. The captain is right that the marriage is over. Divorce your husband, who is your ex-husband in everything but the law. Stay away from your mother and stop all contact with her, including indirect. They are not good for you. They are actively bad. And, if you can, move. So I say, move. It was Sunday lunch at restaurant. Still though, Captain is right. They could have dated anybody and they picked each other. Not good whether it was a set-up or not. LW: this is so so hard. But, see if, instead of focusing on them, focus on treating your addiction and whatever is driving that. Best of luck LW. He made a mistake by being passive instead of saying what was on his mind — likely that he wanted out of the marriage. But my point is, it sounds as if this marriage has been over for a long time. They have been separated for 8 months. And, yeah, he should have said something to officially end the relationship before sleeping with her mother. If LW was my friend, my encouragement would be to grieve, and yes, that can include being furious at the mother and husband if she needs to. But I would encourage her to see that the marriage has been over for a long time, and to focus on herself, rather than on him. Learning to practice self care — loving herself, and seeking treatment for her drinking problem — may be a good place for her to start. Rather than comparing herself negatively to her mother or other women. I would encourage her not to try to have a relationship with this husband, because I believe it would just be a distraction from her relationship with herself. Please take care of yourself and learn to be kind to yourself. I know it can sound vague and ambiguous when I say that, but that self love is something tangible you can find again, and there are resources out there which can help you find it. LW, I think you need to let your husband go and start planning your divorce. Even if your husband ended things with your mother tomorrow and came begging on his knees for you to leave your boyfriend and come back to him and have everything go back to the way it used to be, can you really see yourself enjoying long walks and nice dinners with him, let alone sex, after everything that has happened? The captain has a good point about the fact that he could have had a relationship with any number of women, including older women, and yet specifically chose your mother. You are better off without him. It also sounds, from your description, that you drink through the day and are almost never not drinking. You sound like your health and safety are at risk. Alcohol might have been a decent anthropomorphized-beverage to hang out with once, you may have had some great times together, but now Alcohol is isolating you from others, monopolizing your time, trying to control you, and hurting you. Make Alcohol a small-doses friend you only see at parties, mom-free oh dear god family get-togethers, or dinners with mutual acquaintances. But if he has his own problems with alcohol, the two of you may not be healthy partners for one another right now, even with the best of intentions. Addonizio and Laux have taught tons of classes and stuff together, and are some of the most phenomenal poets to ever exist. And thus purchased through said library. LW — maybe go find that book? You have a lot of feelings to work through, and will probably have more for a long time, and writing bad, angry, sorrowful, heartfelt, embarrassing poetry is a great way to process those feelings. Take it from one who has done exactly that. OK, so the LW wants advice on what to do next. Accept that your marriage is over, and has been over for a long time. Contact a lawyer, and initiate a divorce. Do not confuse monetary issues in a divorce with the opportunity to inflict emotional pain and suffering; that path only makes the lawyers richer. Seek stability in a new life. Find a new place to live, a new job or source of income, and start building the pieces of a new life. The life you had with your husband is over. The life you have with your lover should also become if not ended, at least untangled from him and the drinking you two share. It is time to start building a new life. Part of your new life will be new friends, and new co-workers and new acquaintances, which will give you room to let go of people from your old life. Your mother needs to be one of the people you leave behind with the rest of your old life. Right now, where you are, she is not an OK person to have in your life in any way. Likewise, once your divorce is finalized, you will probably have no contact with your ex-husband. Finding someone who specializes in helping people, a therapist or counselor, for example, will give you an ally you really need right now. Letting go of anger, working with experts for the divorce and the therapy, and letting go of the old life to build a new one are all connected. Having suffered infidelity myself, I know the gut wrenching pain and the absolute disgust you have for the couple. And yeah, it IS infidelity of the most blatant kind, open marriage or no. It has all the passive aggressive hallmarks. In an open marriage you have a say on who gets let in your private circle. It sounds like he let in your arch enemy through the back door. This betrayal of privacy goes both ways. He will be leaking to her your marital privacy. She will be responding with your childhood. Oh I know exactly where your head is at. That said its the kind of flood which can clear the decks. How many years do you want to be recovering from this? I am still flabbergasted by the sheer douchebaggery of both husband and mother. Those are the two people who should have stepped up and recognized Lws problems. They should have supported and loved her. Dear LW, cutting both of them out of your life might be difficult, but you have to take care of yourself. Being alone is preferable to being surrounded by people who poison your mind and eat your soul. You can go see your doctor and start seeing a therapist as the Captain suggests without being ready to quit drinking. You can work on some harm reduction measures such as, things to prevent you from drinking and driving now. You can do things to improve your life, and you can deserve that improved life, even if you are never, ever going to be ready to quit drinking. Their lives burn down. Then they get a new home. Because life is stubborn that way. I digress, but am taking the long way to say that even the most unbelievable sounding tales can be true and so therefore the right thing to do is take the LW at her word and respond in the way will support her in this situation. The alcohol seems to me to be the first and biggest issue. LW, you are a human being and you matter, and somehow you need to find a way to step away from this painful situation and take care of you, gently and with intent. Sometimes physical distance can really help you have emotional distance. I hope things get better for you. We can say that without even having to make any caveats about it not being ideal that the LW is an alcoholic or whatever. There is so much self-hatred and pain in your letter. LW, you do not deserve hatred. Cut these people out of your life — neatly, properly, with well-hemmed edges instead of torn ravelly shreds. These people do not deserve your emotional energy — you need that for yourself. Drink at home, call a cab, install Uber or Lyft or whatever on your phone, whatever you need to do. The rest can wait. Every human being deserves a foundation of self-caring. LW, I am so so sorry. You need the biggest hug ever. When I was a teenager, I had a huge crush on this guy for about 6 months. The sports club he and my parents were members of had a social evening where it became a temporary night club for members. Halfway through the evening, I saw a woman straddling him and they were kissing. I felt disappointed and just as I was turning away, I realised something that made me stop dead. The woman was my mother. It was like a knife plunged in my heart that she would do that to me. So why she did this is still a mystery. Your mother took it one stage further and is now LIVING WITH YOUR HUSBAND. But the Captain is right. You will survive this. You will come out of the other side wiser and stronger and we will be rooting for you every step of the way.
